How to Talk to Your Children About Separation
It may feel as if there is no “good” way to tell your children about you and your spouse’s separation. Truthfully, there is no “good” way, and there also is no “bad” way. Rather, it is important to be mindful, empathetic, and effective when informing your children of your decision. If you feel unsure or need some guidance, here are 5 tips on how to productively tell your children about your separation.
As simple as it sounds, it is better to tell your children out front that you and your spouse are separating. It can be confusing for children and lead to distrust to omit information about the separation. Therefore, it is important to tailor the conversation based on the age of the child.
For younger children, emphasize that even though you and your spouse are no longer together, your love for the child will remain the same and that the child is not to blame. For older children, more details may be required, and there may be a broader range of deeper emotions, such as resentment or betrayal. In this case, establish boundaries with the children to outline appropriate behavior and refrain from negative comments about your former spouse.
Neither party is truly happy about the outcome of a divorce or separation. This being said, the children often suffer the most. That is not to say that you and your spouse should not go through with the separation; it is only to point out that your children must have a game plan going forward to help ease them into their new life. This game plan may include discussing when they will move between households or reassuring them that their routines will remain consistent during the transfer.
Your children may be confused about why they now have multiple homes instead of one, or they may not understand why rules differ between households. During this time, gently let your children know there will be some change with the separation, but that change can also be a good thing. While it is imperative not to invalidate your children’s emotions, you can suggest to your children that even though they will live a different life from before, they will get to experience new things that they may not have gotten to experience if you and your spouse stayed together, such as two parents who love them without conflict.
While telling your children of this upcoming change, remind them throughout that you and your spouse’s love for them will not change and that you will always be their parents. Change can be scary, and that is why you are there to love and support them every step of the way.
Before you sit down with your children and spouse to have this conversation, ensure that you and your spouse are in a place where you can discuss the separation without subjecting the children to an audience of their parent’s conflict. As a child, divorce, separation, and split parenting time are hard enough to digest. As a parent, it is reasonable to have a considerable amount of sadness and anger as to why things turned out the way they did. However, those emotions must sit in the back seat when you address your children, or they may grow up believing that it is normal and acceptable to have those outbursts of emotion.
While you cannot control your spouse, you can control your actions. Your children will not think negatively of you if your spouse begins to get angry or highly emotional. If this happens, gently end the conversation by explaining to the children that you notice the conversation becoming heavy, and they can ask you or your spouse for further clarification at a later time. If you see yourself becoming emotional, explain that you need a moment to collect yourself and return once you are calm. Remember that you are doing this for your children and that your intimate relationship with your spouse is separate from the relationship you have with them.
Most likely, your children will have a plethora of questions during this discussion. Refrain from answering their questions with details that could damage their relationship with the other parent, such as infidelity, financial troubles, substance abuse, or domestic abuse. Instead, provide emotionally neutral answers. Your children are not going to understand the hurt that you or your spouse feels, but they will understand and learn from the way in which you react.
If your children ask why the split is happening, a neutral response may be “mommy/daddy and I decided this is what will let us be better parents to you. We still love you, and our separation is not your fault.” Remember that this is not the time to fight with your ex-partner, this is the time to cater to your child.
After the conversation, you and your spouse must follow a pre-established plan to maintain the stability of your children’s lives. Whether this be through a court order or an agreement between the two of you, stability and consistency are essential to the child’s well-being.
Change can be scary for anyone of any age, and for children who may not understand what a separation entails, the process can feel like whiplash. If you and your ex-partner will be engaging in split custody, try to keep routines similar between households (such as having a consistent bedtime or meal time, similar rules regarding screen time, similar toys, and similar extracurriculars.)
While having an identical routine is impossible and unfair to ask of your ex-partner, it is within both of your capabilities to maintain something similar enough for the sake of your child. A parent moving out may feel like a terrifying loss to a child, and maintaining a routine will assist the child in adapting to their new lifestyle.
If you or your ex-partner are looking for further clarifications through these times. Please do not hesitate to contact our office at +1(269)-382-2580 or through our website, www.markoulaw.com. We would be happy to assist you and provide you with a seamless transition into your new life.
